There is a burning beginning at the seams of every molecule within every cell of my being, slowing burning through the veil of preconception and bursting into a great revelation of light. Answers are making themselves evident. I am the tiniest little star covered in placental star dust birthed of the sun. I walked into the House of the Sun, Haleakala and touched the heavens above the clouds, descending back to the sea with apical fire unfolding in my heart.

Svetlana’s cat died and she’s alone. I can sense her suffering and her strength when I look at her. It bolsters me and makes me want to hug her and cry at the same time. She gives me courage to face trials because I can see and feel her own courage.

Suffering everywhere. Life is one long trial of enduring the suffering. I’m sorry, there is great beauty and gratitude, but also so much suffering! How can I be grateful in the presence of someone else’s suffering?

A lot of my own suffering comes from not understanding the purpose of my life, and feeling like I am wasting it focused on the wrong things. I also feel a lack of outlet for personal expression: I spend a lot of time in thought, silence or reserved in speech or action because I sense B.S. everywhere and lies and manipulation games, and I don’t want to be a part of it. And, at the same time, I don’t want to be excluded. So I keep quiet, don’t influence and laugh at myself because I know it takes TWO people to lie.

I am wading through an existential crisis daily, monthly, through the years. It is so painful to share time with my supervisor. It’s like I’m not looking at her face directly, but at the quivering, ceaslessly moving image of her face viewed through her water mask. I can see past the distortions. And she is ridiculously unhappy!

I want to speak up! I want to create and express! I want to shatter some of the models which no longer work. And yet, I don’t. I’m holding back. Why?

"You don't need this junk. You need a cat.": Another note about the "boredom".


Important addition to my earlier post asking about boredom.

Earlier this morning I was watching movies and web surfing and was terribly “bored”. Then I stopped doing anything at all and curled up in a ball and rested (as restful as it gets when I have to monitor how I breathe to avoid a…

You are not alone in this feeling. I have experienced it on occasion. I think I feel this way when I have been doing too much work that I am not actually interested in. So I am simultaneously bored and overworked. By curling up, stilling myself or napping, I still my mind to focus my what I actually want to do or focus on: usually rest. I, too, have a difficult time translating what the experience is myself.

harassed, both day and night, by the divine being that is
the image of the living self within the locked labyrinth of one’s
own disoriented psyche

Quantum Entanglement Experiment Shows How Future Can Affect Past In Quantum World

By: Clara Moskowitz, LiveScience Senior Writer
Published: 04/30/2012 11:30 AM EDT on LiveScience

Spooky quantum entanglement just got spookier.

Entanglement is a weird state where two particles remain intimately connected, even when separated over vast distances, like two die that must always show the same numbers when rolled. For the first time, scientists have entangled particles after they’ve been measured and may no longer even exist.

If that sounds baffling, even the researchers agree it’s a bit “radical,” in a paper reporting the experiment published online April 22 in the journal Nature Physics.

"Whether these two particles are entangled or separable has been decided after they have been measured,” write the researchers, led by Xiao-song Ma of the Institute for Quantum Optics and Quantum Information at the University of Vienna.

Essentially, the scientists showed that future actions may influence past events, at least when it comes to the messy, mind-bending world of quantum physics.

In the quantum world, things behave differently than they do in the real, macroscopic world we can see and touch around us. In fact, when quantum entanglement was first predicted by the theory of quantum mechanics, Albert Einstein expressed his distaste for the idea, calling it “spooky action at a distance.”

The researchers, taking entanglement a step further than ever before, started with two sets of light particles, called photons. [Stunning Photos of the Very Small]

The basic setup goes like this:

Both pairs of photons are entangled, so that the two particles in the first set are entangled with each other, and the two particles in the second set are entangled with each other. Then, one photon from each pair is sent to a person named Victor. Of the two particles that are left behind, one goes to Bob, and the other goes to Alice.

But now, Victor has control over Alice and Bob’s particles. If he decides to entangle the two photons he has, then Alice and Bob’s photons, each entangled with one of Victor’s, also become entangled with each other. And Victor can choose to take this action at any time, even after Bob and Alice may have measured, changed or destroyed their photons.

"The fantastic new thing is that this decision to entangle two photons can be done at a much later time,” said research co-author Anton Zeilinger, also of the University of Vienna. “They may no longer exist.”

Such an experiment had first been predicted by physicist Asher Peres in 2000, but had not been realized until now.

"The way you entangle them is to send them onto a half-silvered mirror," Zeilinger told LiveScience. "It reflects half of the photons, and transmits half. If you send two photons, one to the right and one to the left, then each of the two photons have forgotten where they come from. They lose their identities and become entangled."

Zeilinger said the technique could one day be used to communicate between superfast quantum computers, which rely on entanglement to store information. Such a machine has not yet been created, but experiments like this are a step toward that goal, the researchers say.

"The idea is to create two particle pairs, send one to one computer, the other to another," Zeilinger said. "Then if these two photons are entangled, the computers could use them to exchange information."

(Source: The Huffington Post)

If our soul is immortal and immaterial, we will always be here. My soul didn’t come from some place distant and get squeezed or confined to my body. After death, if there is a Heaven, I won’t go soaring towards it. Immaterial things don’t behave like that. 

Heaven isn’t distant, it’s here. Earth is the tiny center of my soul’s childhood. I am using my body to explore how I can what I can. And perhaps when I die, if I do have an immortal soul, I will be able to explore even more. Like an infant who grows up to be a teenager with a driver’s license! I want to explore space. It would be a shame to lose any of my senses. I wonder if I could keep any.

What is the nature of my memories? My brain will continue to function after I’m dead. What is it doing? How am I experiencing that?

If this is the childhood of your soul, what kind of childhood will you design for yourself? I would want less fear than my childhood had. More experiments. Learn more. Trust. Love. Encouragement. Even trials to forge strength and confidence.

Capricorn Horoscope for week of May 3, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardCapricorn (December 22-January 19)
Outer space isn’t really that far away. As astronomer Fred Hoyle used to say, you’d get there in an hour if you could drive a car straight up. I think there’s a comparable situation in your own life, Capricorn. You’ve got an inflated notion of how distant a certain goal is, and that’s inhibiting you from getting totally serious about achieving it. I’m not saying that the destination would be a breeze to get to. My point is that it’s closer than it seems.

I remembered, suddenly today, what it felt like to learn how to walk. I was scared. I did not believe. Fear and doubt have always been there, from the very beginning. Now I take walking upright for granted. Before then it was choice present, choice present, choice present. And my response was no, no, no. Until it was yes.

I have to believe.

It was the ease with which she said it, the nonchalant and confident manner, that made it all the more poignant for me. Swiftly in response to the summation of my desires:

"I want to lead."

She said, “you are ready.”

Yes, yes I am ready.

It is like the brief and profound moment I experienced last winter. Before I headed out into the water, I assessed the long distance I would have to swim out to the distressed kayakers. I could barely make them out, but I knew the woman was in severe danger. I had been watching them while I drank my morning coffee on the secluded beach. When I waved, she waved back and disappeared under the white water.

I surveyed the currents and waves. So much distance. I had slimmed down to my goal weight, I was eating truly healthy, but I had not swam any respectable distance in some time.

I filled my lungs with air and questioned, “can I do this?” In response I heard my grandfather’s voice, “just pay attention to your form. You can do this.” His voice is the one I consider of utmost authority on swimming, rescue and bravery. And I heard and felt it loud and clear. I saved their lives that day. And my grandfather’s spirit was with me.

I will begin, go, do it, lead. And when I ask “can I do it?” I will hear her voice say “you are ready.”


And then I read this in my email inbox:

Rob Brezsny’s Astrology - Capricorn horoscope

"I couldn’t wait for success," said rich and famous comedian Jonathan Winters, "so I went ahead without it." I love that approach, and I suggest you try it out. Is there any area of your life that is held captive by an image of perfection? Consider the possibility that shiny concepts of victory and progress might be distracting you from doing the work that will bring you meaning and fulfillment. If you’re too busy dreaming of someday attaining the ideal mate, weight, job, pleasure, and community, you may miss out on the imperfect but amazing opportunities that are available right now.